My Dead Relative May Have Been a Racist Gangster. How Can I Help His Kids?

Recently a relative from a distant state was shot and killed in what the authorities believe was a gang-related dispute, leaving behind a spouse and young children. In the aftermath, friends and relatives of the family used a GoFundMe campaign to help with expenses. Photos have circulated on social media before and since that show my relative and their spouse and friends wearing clothing with the insignia of the gang, which is well known. Over the years, according to the F.B.I. and news reports, the gang has been tied to murders, shootings, Nazi symbolism, illegal drug trafficking and running an escort service. Posts by my relative’s spouse suggest that they are proud to be associated with the gang.

I cannot support illegal and immoral behaviors that are antithetical to my beliefs, and yet I do not want to walk away. I would like to help the children who, I believe, are at grave risk for harm — and who immediately need support. How might I support the young children when their parent may be embroiled in a lifestyle that ultimately proves harmful to their well-being? — Name Withheld

From the Ethicist:

Combine caring with caution. Let’s assume your suspicions are correct. You’ll still want to be sure your actions are making things better, not worse. Involving child protective services is always a last resort, because an inquiry can itself be deeply upsetting. While being raised by the spouse of a slain gang member clearly has serious risks, you have no direct evidence that the children are not being loved and cared for. This death may mean, at least in the longer run, that they have fewer contacts with the gang than they had previously. Given these circumstances, the best option for the children is probably to stay with their surviving parent.

And you may have already reached that conclusion. You could simply put aside the noxiousness of the spouse’s beliefs and associations, then, and offer financial assistance in such a way that you are kept in touch with the kids through the years, so they have access to you when they’re older. Or you could set up a fund designed to be available only for the children’s specific needs (educational, medical, etc.), and aim to keep your support tightly circumscribed. You could even start a savings account so that they have money to go to college later. Ideally, the kids will grow aware of you as a dependable, caring adult in another state, while you avoid entanglement with a repugnant subculture.

A Bonus Question

In the 1990s, when I was 11 years old, I attended a summer camp. One of my friends confided to me, months later, about having been molested by a particular counselor. This revelation aligned with rumors that had been swirling around at the time. I have no doubt whatsoever that the abuse occurred.

To my knowledge, no legal action was ever taken against the person I believe was the perpetrator. I’ve since lost touch with the friend; other children I heard about, now around 40, may well have moved on with their lives. Through some internet sleuthing, I found that the former counselor is moving through life seemingly unencumbered — traveling, celebrating milestones, etc.

There’s no statute of limitations on sexual crimes against minors in the state in question. The possible survivors presumably know this and have chosen not to report it. I have no idea about the erstwhile counselor’s capability for reoffending over the last three decades.

What can I do that’s responsible but also respectful of my fellow campers? — Name Withheld

From the Ethicist:

There are a number of reputable organizations that help survivors of sexual violence and exploitation, and you should get in touch with one; they can give you advice about the steps you can take with your hearsay evidence. But you’ve identified the considerations that are in tension. You’ll have to consider how your childhood friend could be affected if you bring the issue to light without consent. And you’ll have to consider whether the suspected perpetrator might still be actively abusing minors — whether there’s a prospect of preventing further harm.

You’ve lost touch with your old friend, but you also seem to be comfortable with internet sleuthing. Would it be worth trying to track down the friend so that you can share what’s been weighing on your mind? Although it’s unfortunate that neither of you made a report early on, we can’t blame children for not doing so. As adults, however, we have to think about both healing and harm. And your friend’s direct testimony would be more valuable than your memory of a long-ago conversation. Your friend could come to decide that the imperatives of the present mean facing up to the shadows of the past.

Readers Respond

The last question was from a woman who was wondering whether she should skip her 100-year-old father’s wedding to a woman she is suspicious of. She wrote: “My 100-year-old father is about to marry a 75-year-old woman who is a three-time widow. He met her in church, and after one month I believe she pressured him to get married. My siblings and I are all against the wedding. I’ve spent more time with our father than my siblings have over the past five months, during their courtship, and I’ve seen firsthand many red flags. … We’ve discussed the potential problems associated with a 25-year age difference, but he doesn’t believe that his girlfriend would do anything to harm him because she is religious. I can’t attend this wedding in good conscience. My siblings are going, but I’m heartbroken by what I fear this union will do to our father and our family. I don’t see how I can put on a phony smile and hug a three-time black widow as she marries No. 4, my father. Am I wrong?”

In his response, the Ethicist noted: “You’ve expressed your apprehensions; consider the possibility that your father is less starry-eyed than you suppose. He may simply think that, even if his money is part of the draw, this woman’s companionship during life’s last stretch would be worth it. … If you and your sibs have concerns about financial exploitation, consult with a lawyer and explore protective measures your father could take. Sitting out his wedding, however, risks alienating him for whatever time remains to him. … Whatever doubts you have about your father’s choice, I hope you’ll decide to witness his happiness on the big day. Staying part of his life will make it easier to intervene and to support your father if you later see developments that are unambiguously worrying.” (Reread the full question and answer here.)

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I agree with the letter writer that this marriage sounds like a bad idea, but I also agree with the Ethicist that once she expresses her concerns, she needs to put them aside and attend the wedding. No one should become estranged from a parent who is 100 years old. It isn’t likely there will be many future opportunities to reconcile. — Stephanie

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The Ethicist is right on here. Why risk hurting him by not attending the wedding, especially when the letter writer’s other siblings seem to be willing to go. Let this man live out his remaining years as wants to. Whether it is love, companionship or something else he is seeking, it’s his choice as there seems to be no indication of mental decline. God bless him. — David

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As a gerontologist and a woman whose beloved husband was 37 years her senior, I have some thoughts: The letter writer’s father is an adult, presumably of sound mind, who has as much desire and right as anyone to feel loved and happy in a committed relationship, and has made a decision that has, frankly, nothing to do with his adult children. Many of the letter writer’s comments are infantilizing and ageist (both to the father and his betrothed). It is also wrong to label a woman a “black widow” for having outlived three partners unless she was implicated in their deaths in some way. If imagination allows, the letter writer should spend some time considering how she would feel if the tables were turned. The Ethicist is right: She should go to the wedding and give her dad the best gift, her unconditional love. — Bree

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I was a manager of a senior housing building. Our advice to residents wanting to marry was this: 1) Don’t marry unless you plan to have children together.2) Get the permission of all your children if possible. 3) Have a prenuptial in place. 4) Have solid wills in place taking into account your spouse-to-be and all of your children. Be as open as possible in this. — Scott

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I strongly agree with the Ethicist. My father married twice more after my mother died. Both times the weddings were scheduled without consulting either my brother or me. Consequently, we could not attend the weddings, thereby missing significant events in our father’s life. If the letter writer’s father wants her at the wedding, and if all of her siblings are attending, she should go to the wedding and put on her best manners. It would be in the letter writer’s best interest to retain a strong relationship with her father. I strongly agree with the Ethicist that she should help her father protect his assets legally before the wedding, especially if he wishes his estate to go primarily to the letter writer and her siblings.— Wendy